All, but nothing

Things have happened so fast lately that I am in a constant delay with my own feelings, my own life, with my own blog or online journal or whatever this is.

A few weeks before we took in a second foster dog, aka a 4th dog: Marley. Marley was a wannabe Yorkie. Sweet, small, and sometimes pretty annoying. BUT with or without pedigree he was 100% a lapdog. First, he marked everything in our home. Then he marked me. Deeply. Although I consider myself not being a small dog person, especially not a lapdog person, although we had a rough start with all the peeing and cleaning… he found his way to my heart. He was special in his own weird way, and also the shortest foster experience I’ve ever had… Until yesterday…

Marley moved out last Friday, he traveled to his Forever Family together with Riso. (No, not the same family, they only shared the ride). So my Audrey Hepburn kinda days came to an end.

On the same day, Phantom moved in. The sweetest giant ever. The Irish Wolfdog of my life. Huge, storg, kind… He wasn’t that fancy, ofc. But his calmness, and his presence were very comforting for me. I remember how nervous I was about taking him home, about all his problems… I imagined that a termeinally ill dog and my death anxiety couldn’t exist under the same roof. I imagined that his urinary incontinence and my obsessive cleaning desorder would be the world’s biggest enemies. How wrong I was!.. He helped me more with my death anxiety then 3 years of therapy… He was sick and he had truble holding urine, but he peed a lot less indoors then Marley did. πŸ™ˆ To be fair, Phantom never really peed inside. Maybe a couple of drops in his cage on the absorbing pads, but I’m not even sure about it. If there was any, it was definitely not enough to be noticed. He had lots of medical issues, yes, but he had even more respect for us and for our home. His HOME.

It was quite obvious that he was feeling very good with us. He was more active, he also played several times. First with a bone he was pretty excited to chew on. Then, he also played outdoors for a couple of minutes in the grass… Like never before. He ate with such appetite it was a pleasure to feed him. He was so proud! Gosh!.. His eyes were so happy. Sad, but happy. Can you imagine how it felt for him? For a dog who never was allowed indoors. Becouse of his size!… Because he was a “caine de curte”. Wait! Worse! He was a “caine de stana”… With “blana”… Who was supposed to endure cold, and abuse, and hunger. Because that was his “job”… He was so greatful! So excited about his new life… About his second chance. He was confident and so easy to handle. And so so loved! HE WAS LOVED! I never new that you can love a dog so much, after only a couple of days. I have to confess, that I used to hate all my dogs for the first few weeks. I loved them all. Each and every one of them. But not right from the beginning… it took quite some time to get used to them, to accept them, to get to know and love them. With Phantom, it was different. Everything was different with him. The connection was stonger, he fit in much faster… It was incredible, and I now I know why…

What we gave him, it meant everything to him. It was ALL he ever had. All, but nothing… Because it didn’t last. What are 2 days and 3 nights of “all” compared to 10 years of “nothing”?

I wish we had more time. I really do. I thought we will have… I wish I knew better… I wish I could pet you, feed you, and tell you how much I love you just one more time! I will regret a tons of things. But I will never regret the time we spend together. Ever! I really hope that your Forever Home over The Rainbow Bridge is just as good as the one you had here. Because you had a home, after all! Can you believe it? 🀍


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